As you know, awhile back I became a "single" person. It felt really weird. And it didn't take long until I fell face first into the world of dating as a forty-seven year old mother of a volleyball team. It was a total
When I first set up my new homestead, I was like Snow White to my little dwarfs. You know, Stinky, Sloppy, Mouthy, Guilty, Nervy and Shifty. I was completely focused on single motherhood and had no intention of dating PLUS I was intimidated by the idea of it all. I mean, I'm the old lady in the shoe. Remember?! I was a "mom" this time. And I wasn't exactly a fan of relationships after my big fail. Plus dating meant "drama" to me and I had been full-up on that for some time with the whole *sshhh* divorce. And I got extra helpings of drama since my crew was also now in the godforsaken dating world too. And dating while you're daughters are dating is just plain awkward. We're all hold up in the bathroom together shoving to get mirror facetime and poking our eyes out with frosted mascara because my girls lost my grown up variety. Then we all come home later and it's a bucket of weirdness. And it's superfun to be on a date while your kids are texting you every five minutes wanting to know where we keep the extra batteries for the Xbox or what's the right dosage of Immodium AD or getting the referee job of a long distance knock out about what channel the tv should be on. Usually while I'm trying to enjoy a warm meal that I did not cook amen! I eventually learned that dating can only take place on my childless weekends when I could have free reign of my house. But for the most part, early on, I just wanted friendship. I wanted people to treat me like I was somewhat normal. Even if they knew better.
But my friends wanted me to not be
When I did leave the house, at first, it was like a bulls eye was stamped to my chest with the words "Fresh Meat". It was kinda like a zombie apocalypse but I just showed up, not knowing what a zombie looks like. Maybe it's because I was mostly alone and didn't know how to act without kids stuck on me like tattoos.
When I had met someone new, here's how the first conversation would go.
Him: "It's really nice to meet you."
Me: "Thank you. Likewise."
Him: "So tell me about yourself. Do you have any kids?"
Me: "Yes, I do"
Him: "Really? How many?"
Him: (dial tone)
But if we had face time, he excused himself to the bathroom. A bathroom in Never Never Land. because I never saw him again!
So in my
Lesson #1: This is a lie.
They are out there. In the world. Looking for someone. If they wanted to be alone, you would not see them. They would be home. Or invisible.
I realize there are a lot of moochers looking for a special lady.
For just one night.
Even those fellas are happy to be with this special lady, but only to get by until they find someone they want to see for more than one night. For the most part. This is me being nice.
But they may not know it's a lie themselves. What they mean is they don't want to be in a relationship with YOU! Or maybe they want you but not YET. Because you might interfere with them living as they want or someone better than you might come along and they want to keep their options open. Or they are still jacked up and can't discriminate between their ass and a hole in the ground. YET. This doesn't make them liars. It makes them confused. And I think they deserve a hall pass. At first.
But in this sea of confusion, I've broken down the types of fellas I've met into three types.
This guy is trouble. And you run into him 75% of the time. His common denominator? He wants a free sample. But I'm not Hickory Farms. And it ain't gonna happen. Ever. He likes to talk nonsense about his ex, but whether he's justified or not, he's not doing himself any favors by telling his current interest how he talks about his past failed relationship and how it wasn't his fault. He will eagerly tell you how striking you appear and wants to know where he can find you later. He will NEVER ask anything about your kids or real life. He doesn't plan on being around long enough to need to know or care. He will be in a urgent rush to make plans with you and get a date on the books. If you refuse his hasty attempt at hooking up, he turns into an epic douchebag because you had the nerve to not jump all over spending time with his shallow ass. He also thinks you're too stupid to see through his transparent armor of bullcrap and is shocked when you blow him off at the get-go. Hope for his sake, he's going through a phase or he'll end up spending his nights alone at Buffalo Wild Wings watching sporting events with the cute staff members who just spend time with him because he pays them to.
This poor bastard is around about 15% of the time and is actually kinda date-able. for someone else. His divorce (or whatever happened) caught him off guard and he is still trying to find out where he landed. He is kind and is really trying to do the dating thing. He's a gentleman and will hold the door for you and buy you dinner and all that, but he is awkward. He may talk
LISTENS to what you say! He will screw up sometimes but that happens to all of us.
As I put all this down in cyberspace, know I am mocking the dating scene a bit and maybe picking on men, but I've also met several other women in my shoes and I've heard stories from these fellas and know that women can be turds! Women are the main reason a lot of these poor gents are so screwed up, so when you meet someone new, drop the notion that you've already got them figured out and actually give them a chance. Put your guard down and give them the gift of YOU! Stop bitching about how there's no one out there worth your time or love and give it anyway. Men also have to sort through a sea of whacked out women so cut them some slack! You may find an unexpected treasure in a least likely place. Isn't that what we're all looking for? A treasure? So don't just look for a treasure, BE a treasure!