Tuesday, September 30, 2014

MamaJulep is BACK!

Holy Cow! I think I got my blog back out of the vortex.  This is just a test to see if it makes it to  you, my devoted people who either still love me or were too lazy to delete mamajulep from your news feed.  So as a favor, before I begin my dribble, please comment so I can see this made it out there.  Say or ask anything!  Let me know what y'all wanna hear about first because I have SO FREAKING MUCH to say!


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

What I Missed...

Yes, it's really me.

I did not join the Witness Protection Program as I often threatened.

My six pack did not finally lock me in that bedroom closet of mine with  my vodka blankie & orange milano cookies.

I did not lose the password to my blog account...however my brain has swallowed so much horse maneur in the last year that I can't remember my maiden name, much less how to post an articulate stream of words on this nonsense blog of mine.  

So what is up with Mamajulep?

Just know that life has been in the shizzles and I've had to get real creative in my juggling skills.  You peeps who have stuck around and wondered if I'd ever emerge again are awesome and I love your freaking guts!  A slew of defcon 1 nonsense in my personal life has catapulted a whole bunch of bat$h*t crazy relatives and friends into my world.  All I can do now is deal with mucked up family and well-meaning-but-nosey onlookers who feel they have a dog in this fight that is mine.  I've tried to keep my nonsense my own, mostly for the sake of my sweathogs...but my mouth is a bit trigger happy and is all too ready to do a Chuck Norris roundhouse on the next Gladys Kravits that crosses my SUV path.

My slothy kids are doing just fine, doing as little as possible, per usual.  Marsha Brady entered high school, cell phone permanently affixed to her palm.  Slick, Buttercup & Rainman made it to middle school-phone calls have already started my way.  It's not like those teachers have never met Mamajulep, you'd think they learned from last year! Mini-me is right behind them, still in charge.  "Baby Screams a Lot" is now a four year old and less than a year away from kindergarten.  I don't know how that happened but I cannot. freaking. wait. for. it. Amen.

Speaking of the youngest in my tribe...it is a funny thing when you have a kid who is much younger than your other knuckleheads.  She doesn't act like other normal four year olds.  She acts like a teenager in a little person's body.  She loves music like Maroon 5 (well who can blame her?) and she can keep up with the crew when it comes to a good smarta$$ comeback.  I am enjoying seeing her embrace her own personality.

But I am so bummed I have missed out making fun of so much in the last year.  What all did I miss?

Here's a short list...

The Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy

Ok, I have actually read this.  I'm trying to get through the last book now.  I have to say..."What is the freakin' big ass deal?"  This is a couple who fell in love and they...have...sex.  Wow.  I don't want to say much in case you have it on your wish list but I don't see their behavior as being over sexed-seeing as they are in their twenties!  The storyline isn't believable and sadly, it is predictable.  As for the sex scenes, I wouldn't say I'd go down all the roads they go down but for the most part, they are a normal couple, in love.  She does go into some detail about some of their "experiences" and she uses grown up words to describe who does what to whom, but frankly it didn't do that much for me.  I got more worked up watching Dermot Mulroney in "The Wedding Date".  all. sixteen. times.

Magic Mike

I was coerced into going to this movie for my 45th birthday but I got to hang out with my peeps so it was fun.
As for the movie...Lots of hupla about nothing. 

And I can never look at Matthew McConaughey the same way again.  I've never cared for men with no meat on their bones and seeing him half naked made me lose my sex drive appetite. At least Fifty Shades of Grey had a storyline. even if it was unbelievable.


I think I could hear "Call Me Maybe" every day and still smile.  But whomever wrote Katy Perry's "Wide Awake" must have been sniffing their shoes because the lyrics consist of..."I'm wide awake" over and over again.  It describes every single night each of us parents have experienced for most of our adult life.  Where's the fun in that? I hope Katy gets a thesaurus for Christmas this year.

Leap Year

oh yay...we get an extra day this year to cook, clean, carpool, beg, cry and hopefully consume an adult beverage to deal with the nonsense that is parenthood! If you've ever been here before you've read my post on how the movie "Groundhog Day" is a must read for new parents.  Every. day. is. the. same.

Jerry Sandusky

I am uber-annoyed that the dedicated players and students have to pay for the mistakes of a few  jackholes at Penn State.   You don't have to be a sports nut to get that this is just wrong. enough said.

Katie Left Tom

about dadgum time!

Thank you, all the way- from the deepest places in my heart, for still being here to read my little scribblings.  I'm not promising to write every day again, but I am gonna try and stretch my legs here a little more.  Let me hear from you, and what you want to hear about!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

MamaJulep Awakes from Hibernation

Mamajulep has been in hibernation for about a month now.  I know you stopped living your lives because I haven't written!  I can feel the collective "whew" in the air now that I'm back.  My absence was not because I was lying on some beach in Maui, under a straw hat, sipping a coconut margarita, and having my back rubbed by Maleko, the local island stud.

...eh, sorry, I got lost in thought.  Where was I?

Oh, my reality.

What I have been doing is moving so fast I needed skates, been knee deep in the nonsense of community theatre, survived the baby chicken infestation of 2011, and trying to run my new business as "growed-up" acting as I can with the sounds of "Wild Kingdom" as my background music.  And I've done something else.  Something unthinkable.  Something that has rocked my family to its core.  Something that has my six pack shaking in their chicken poo infused sketchers.  Are you ready?

I've quit homeschooling the six pack (gasp!).  I've chucked the whole she'bang!
They're enrolled in a Catholic school umpteen miles away in the big city. 
Don't believe me?

I know.  I'm shocked too!  The first day of school I woke up and felt like someone else had taken over my body and was running my life, the wreck that it is -my life, not my body, although that's a different kind of wreck.  Remember I was supposed to be the administrator of our homeschool group this year?  Well, I let all those folks down, told them I was spent and needed to shift gears a bit and stretch my kids' boundaries and gain back just a crumb of my sanity or what's left of it after five years of homeschooling a six pack of sweathogs.  Five years of being with all of my children, 24/7.  Five years of teaching long division while listening to Dora and her stupid monkey in the background.  Five years of screaming like a mad woman settling debates over the last bowl of Cheerios while trying to begin morning prayers.  Five years of hearing my regular-schooled pals laughing over the phone while they were childless from 8-3, as I'm hunkered down in my closet, whispering so my kids couldn't find me. 

And Baby-Screams-A-Lot didn't get off the hook either!  Baby is now three!  She's a big kid.  So she's getting dropped at the same Mom's Day Out program all my other sweathogs attended a few days a week.  So for twelve hours a week, I will have no sweathogs.  No Mr. Green Jeans.  No interruptions. No conversations about chickens.  No nonsense, except by the other zillion knuckleheads who follow me around! And for the first time in five years, I will be on my own for some chunks of time.  I will drink hot unreheated coffee and I will...(wait for it)...go to the bathroom alone!

And the angels sang.

And Mamajulep toasted them.

And proceeded to stop, drop and roll at the nearest school forty five minutes away!

As I type this, I am sitting in Panera Bread, eating a toasted panini with turkey, warm artichoke and spinach, and listening to nothing but the hum of a few nearby grown-up conversations and the occasional cappuccino maker.  I think I will adjust to this just fine.  At least until carpool!

And the school folks asked me how I planned to "volunteer" at the school because apparently all the parents do it, on top of tuition.  So I told them I would do anything except watch any amount of children, I get that job full time at my own address, I'm sure I don't want to watch other folks' bad children, and that it would be a cold day in a biblically heated location before I would subject myself to that!  And I wouldn't be begging for money for any fundraisers because I have to do that in my real life too !  Alabama Power gets an earful of my begging this time of year.  So far they've just asked me if I can work a copier.  I can always get fired from that job if it gets too involved for my life.

But back to my baby, she needs a new pen name.  She's not Ms. Screams-a-lot so much anymore.  I need to come up with a new persona for her.  She IS the baby, but she's not "a baby" and will tell you that.  Help me come up with something.  She is still the boss, as any youngest child will tell you!  I even thought of giving her that name, "Little Boss" but I don't know.  I do know that if she wants something, she's bullheaded and will get it.  Like if she wants to sit in the recliner and you have the nerve to be in it already, you may as well plan on getting up because she will nag the everlivin' mess out of you to get that chair.  Yesterday I was holding her in her favorite chair and she demanded I put on my shoes for no good reason other than she just wanted my feet covered.  Finally I gave in.  She will probably run some small country by the time she's twenty-seven.  Or be a religious icon.  Or run a mafia ring, the only one in Alabama.

And she's become obsessed with Spiderman.  This summer, the kids watched all the Spiderman movies over and over and over and she decided that she is Peter Parker!  She springs all over the house sneaking up on the rest of us and "webbing" us.  She wears a knit hat on the surface of her face so we can't see it's her, because really, it's Peter Parker!  She's already had a bloody lip and chipped a tooth.  Child Protective Services have me on their satellite.  Guess what backpack she picked out for her new school?  Yep!  She's the only three year old GIRL who will be sporting around with a Spiderman backpack.  She thinks it's awesome.  It goes particularly well with her Dora lunchbox.  As I've said before, I have weird kids.  Just pay attention... 

Because I have to tell you about school.  Like I said...world rocking for my crew! And me too, a little.  Maybe a lot.  So we had to go "real school shopping" which meant we had to buy stuff other people thought we should have to learn.  Stuff that never occurred to us before, which apparently included things like paper towels, baby wipes, and mesh gym bags.  Stuff I've never associated with my homeschool stash.  Some things I didn't even know how to buy!  Some I thought would be no-brainers, like lunchboxes.  Six of them!  So we're in Walmart of course and checking out the lunchbox collection when Rainman does one of his freakouts over the inadequate size of the lunchboxes.  Apparently he was worried his dagwood sandwiches wouldn't fit in the standard sizes.  Homeboy makes his way over to the dagum IGLOO soft coolers and tells me that is more like it!  I can just see my boy, aka: Jethro Bodine, arriving at school with his five gallon cooler filled with five sandwiches, a gallon of tea, three apples, a box of raisinettes and a family-sized package of oreos.  "Honey, we ain't at home anymore.  The days of nonstop eating and home lunches is over".  Jethro's gonna have to adjust to eating like the rest of us.  Maybe I'll be able to afford that van now!

The prison bus is a bit of a tight fit with a six pack, backpacks, lunchboxes, and separate bags for P.E!  This morning as we're skidding down the highway trying to make the bell, my kids asked what people do in this thing called "P.E." and really got stressed over it.  In case I haven't shared their ages, I have an eighth grader, three fifth graders and a fourth grader who thinks she has been put in the wrong grade because she is smarter than that!  And these half grown geniuses have asked nothing about math or social studies or core subjects.  They are wiggin' out about this foreign world of physical education.  If this is what does us in, I'm screwed to the wall!

Getting a half dozen comatose sloths ready for school at five AM ain't exactly an easy thing.  Remember, we still have chickens to deal with every freakin' morning, along with a band of stray dogs living on my back porch.   And Mr. Green Jeans is "hands off" anything to do with our morning routine, so MamaJulep is adding some stuff from the state store to the coffee.  And my crew each have their little personality disorders they bring to the breakfast table.  And it's all migraine-inducing nonsense.  This morning Rainman had a meltdown over his hair because I tried to comb it to the side like we do every other day, but somehow today was different.  He decided it was much, much better combed straight forward toward his eyes.  He looked like Lurch from the Addams Family.  I told him to fix it or he'd get beat up by lunchtime. 

I barely mentioned that we had a baby chicken infestation this summer.  My crew found a few chickens who love to sit on eggs all the time.  So we have dozens of eggs in the works waiting to become more chickens for Mama.  I've put the kibosh on this and hope it all settles down soon, but meanwhile we have a ton of baby chickens.  Baby chickens who have to stay inside my house because they can't hang with the big boys yet.  And as soon as I graduate some outta there, a new crew of babies needing daycare show up in my laundry room.  If I find anymore in there, we're having chicken nuggets for dinner.

We just finished up a play and the kids had a blast!  Mama is ready for a hiatus from plays for a while.  We may do a Christmas play but the next big thing they want to do is in the spring.  It is "Titanic: The Musical".  Whose brainchild was this?  I thought they were kidding!  Let's all drown at sea while singing and dancing and being choreographed at that!  We have to do this just so I can see how it's done.  I'll put in a video for you. Thank me later.

Slick has decided when he grows up he wants to be Johnny Cash.  He hooked up with a musician friend while doing the play and has wormed his way into some guitar lessons.  The only problem is he has no money for guitar lessons.  Oh, and he doesn't own a guitar.  And never asked Mama about this.  His first lesson is tomorrow.

I have so much more nonsense to share but I think the Panera Bread people want their table back!  I promise to share more nonsense. There will definitely be a "part two" of the "Hibernation" post, probably by Friday *crosses fingers* so come back real soon!  I hope to get back in the groove of posting daily.  Or at least a few times a week!  Let me hear from y'all!


Monday, July 11, 2011


It is about 9000 degrees here in lower Alabama.  It feels like it hasn't rained since Noah took off.  My pond was just a bowl full of dirt as the drought began, but now it's morphing into some other ecosystem.  I cannot believe just a few months ago we were catching brim in this little basin.

The heat is ridiculous.  I'm starting to hallucinate from lack of rain.  And seeing as my washer and dryer are just about useless these days, I'm glad I have my Olympic sized clothesline!  These days it takes about ten minutes to dehydrate all my laundry.  But it does take about ten hundred hours to beg, bribe, beat into submission get my knuckleheads to hang the stuff out there to get the effects of the sun, making it rather useless most of the time. 

Raise your hands if you love bokeh.
*raises hands*
*raises whole household's hands*

In this shot, I especially love that it hides the crapwagon full of nonsense my sweathogs like to leave out for the redneck effect.  Bokeh is good in that way.
I wish I could make this work when my mother-in-law drops by. 

Her son whose name I will not speak,  is in hot water.  Steaming.  He came home Friday sporting a box of  "more work for me".

Why?  Why?  WHY?

We have two chicken pens, PLUS baby chickens that live perpetually in my laundry room- constantly squawking like satan's hounds, along with stray dogs that think I'm some kinda half way house for wayward animals or an escape hatch for useless pet owners!  The other night I'm sitting in bed, minding my own mess, and I hear a cat under the house, screaming as if its entrails were being taken out by some other animal that does not belong to me!  I own one little dog, a dog that thankfully has been trained to get after mice.  Guess what I've been saying to her since this little beast has come to stay with us?  "Get the mouse Hazel!"  I don't know what came over Mr. Green Jeans, but I'll be seeking an attourney some time this week.  He gets to keep the animals.  I get all the adult beverages.  The kids are a toss up.  Let's see how they behave today.


Tuesday, July 5, 2011

In Quicksand

Last week I had a birthday.
I'm another year stove-up.
Okay.  I'm 44 and I could be doing worse.  But not by much.  Not if my sweathogs have anything to do with it.  Or my washing machine.  Or Alabama Power.  All of them induce stress and cause me to assume the fetal position.

I know some of you have wondered if I was abducted by aliens since I haven't posted in a week.  Or maybe that I'd finally lost it altogether and was now living in the Witness Protection Progarm.  Just know that the quicksand was pretty deep around here and I was wishing I could crawl through some wormhole and steal some time to get my life in order and maybe wake up and find myself living in a Jane Austen novel.  Now I know that ain't gonna happen, so be patient with me and I'll try to give you the low-down, the 411, the "skinny" on some of my nonsense. 
I'm working hard at my new "Work from home with a six pack of sweathogs underfoot" job.  Did I mention I'm throwing their arses back in traditional school in six weeks?  They're embracing that idea as much as getting influenza.  Ask me if I'm sad about this.  That would be a "no".  I'm an independant consultant for Rodan and Fields Dermatology.  Independent = I only get paid if I work!  And I like to get paid, and I like the work, but not with knuckleheads. These are the docs who invented Proactiv and now they've come up with an awesome skin repair line that's getting lots of attention.  The anti-age line is my new crack.  If you have a wrinkle you'd like to chuck off your face, let me know.  I can help.  But I can't do it with my crew holding a mob-lynching outside my bedroom door while I'm on the phone trying to act like I've got my act together.   And it's all an act.

I get help where I can.
But even these guys betrayed me the other night.  Raspberry Absolute is the devil himself.  Do not listen to his lies when he tries to seduce you with his delicious concoctions.  It took me three days to get over three drinks.  Twenty years ago, all it would have taken was a can of coke and a BC powder.  But back then, I didn't wake up to a house full of degenerates.  Or at least they weren't my responsibility!

Hey Kids!  Dinner's ready!!
And my crew is a little miffed with mom.  Mom hasn't made brownies in a month of Sundays.  Mom has thrown out a little too many "leftover" dinners lately and they are starting to talk about a rebellion.  The dog that actually is our dog, ran away to a better life, only to return with a baby rabbit she'd hunted down.  The kids were jealous.  Leftover night at my house has come to be called "Snatch and Grab" night.  With eight folks scrambling for leftovers, if you don't get in the kitchen real quick-like and in a hurry, you're enjoying a meal of canned sardines and stale crackers.  Alongside a diet grape Faygo from last year's Christmas party.
They're also in another dagum play, so evenings are filled with running to rehearsals and I get to hear non-stop singing again.  Ever heard the "Ed Sullivan" song from "Bye Bye Birdie"?  They really should play a continuous loop of it at Guantanamo Bay.  They'd have a slew of folks giving up all sorts of secret information just to get that dang song off of them.  It is burned into what's left of my mind.  Thanks kids.  Why can't they do a play about great rock bands of the eighties?

I've decided my Whirlpool Cabrio washing machine is the love child of the devil and the ghost of Joan Crawford.  It cost me more than my mortgage payment and has been nothing but a clothes shredder.  But at least I had something.  Lately it works about half the time, and my budget for a new washing machine is somewhere around $7.45.  I'm thinking a wash board and some lye soap are in my future.  As well as blistered, peeling hands that will grow to look like claws for as much as I have to face in my laundry room.  And my refrigerator started leaking, and my dishwasher...my NEW dishwasher, has decided to fall out of my broken kitchen cabinet.  Did I ever tell you I'm married to a carpenter?  Does the phrase "the shoemaker's children have no shoes" come to mind.  Mr. Green Jeans is about to be fired!  And I may go on an extended vacation. After I find me a carpenter.

But I can't.  I have to get my behind in gear.  I have to put out fires and make hay while the sun shines and put my nose to the grindstone and all that.  Even though I'd rather be lying in a porch swing, drinking a margarita and listening to "Unchained Melody" and pretending I'm somewhere else.  Somewhere that doesn't involve satanic appliances or obnoxious musical numbers.  Perhaps one day.  But today ain't that day!


Thursday, June 23, 2011

Lose-Lose Situation

I've done it all.
When it comes to motherhood that is.
There's a lot left to do in other areas of my life.  But I won't be skydiving or base jumping anytime soon. 
Or ever!

I've had my kids in school, homeschooled them, put them back in school, went back to homeschooling, and now, I'm getting ready to throw them back in school again and forget about them and throw away the key!

I've had babies, one at a time... had babies, three at a time, had a baby who I only got to hold for two hours, and before all that, I got to experience the purgatory that is infertility, where you bargain with God if He will only let you have just one baby and you promise you will never ask for anything else!  Then I got a six pack!  Be careful what you wish for, God has a great sense of humor!

I've been the church lady, led the womens bible studies, been on the church council, been the room mother, made forty hundred cupcakes for a bunch of screaming hooligans who just dropped them all over the classroom floor, and I've volunteered for everything from my church to my homeschool organization and back.  I've sewn costumes for plays, baked a thousand pot-luck dinners, and have found that anything can be fixed with either a glue gun or duct tape.  I've bandaged baby dolls, fed stray dogs, and have cleaned enough skidmarks that I'm qualified to work the clean up crew for Nascar!  I've been a SAHM, worked part-time, worked full-time, and now I'm working from my home. 

This may be the most challenging thing I've done yet!

The thing I've learned from all this is, there's no perfect set up.  If you're a mom, work is just plain work, and there's no easy fix, no escape hatch, no perfect lifestyle.  And as your babies just keep growing and evolving, their needs change, your needs change, and there are just gonna be days that involve adult beverages. 

And ibuprofen.  Lots of ibuprofen!

One of the deals with working from home is that I actually, occasionally, have to talk to another person on the phone.  This person likely does not have a crew of sweathogs in the background.  Or has a live cage fight going on at the same time. Ever try and talk to the utility company while your little knuckleheads are around?  It's kinda like making a 911 call from the inside of the primate house at the zoo!  Now imagine you have to actually sound like you have your act together, because you don't want folks to know the insanity that is your home, then two of your darlins come in while you're being a grown-up on the phone, and they reenact a scene from Braveheart right as the person answers your call.  The only thing you can do then is say, "Sorry, wrong number" and hope they don't have caller ID.  Otherwise, you stand a fifty-fifty chance of getting a visit from Child Protective Services.  And there are days, I feel like making the call myself.

Ring!  Ring!
CPS:  Hello?
MJ:  Is this Child Protective Services?
CPS: Yes.  Can I help you?
MJ:  Oh, yes ma'am!  I'd like to make a delivery.  What time is good for you?
CPS: I'm sorry, did you say "delivery"?
MJ: Yes.  I need to drop off my kids...like, today!  What would be a good time?
CPS: Ma'am, we don't normally work like that.  No one 'delivers' their children to us willingly!
MJ:  Well then, you haven't met my kids yet!  And if I don't get these sweathogs out of my house right now, and get to make one phone call, uninterrupted, I'm gonna go bat$h*t crazy!

Even prison inmates are allowed a phone call.  Me?  I can't even go to the bathroom without having to settle a debate over the last bowl of Cheerios.  And that "debate" may or may not involve stitches.  This morning, like every morning, I've reheated the same cup of coffee fifty seven times and it now resembles motor oil.  It kinda tastes like it too.  So when I get a little jealous about how other moms get to do this or that, or have time away from their heathens and maybe eat a meal in peace, I remember that I have really tried it all and maybe I'm just stupid, but I ain't found the perfect fit yet.  It's all hard.  It's all quicksand to wade through.   And ninety percent of what I do is manage nonsense from nonsense.  But one day it will end.  One day I'll be able to make a phone call and form a cohesive sentence.  But today ain't that day.

Does anyone have the number for CPS?


Monday, June 20, 2011

Why Do I Have To Do It? and other Mommy tantrums...

There's another dagum stray animal that's taken up with us.

Who am I, Dr. Doolittle?

It's a young, stray cat.

Did I mention it's a stray?  That means, it ain't mine folks!

It lives in a basket under our house, but frequently jumps up trees when dogs go after it.  I know I technically only have the one dog, but remember... I am the dog whisperer so I have a slew of dogs in my yard at any given moment.  And they like to chase little black cats and worry my offspring about it all.  And none of them give any thought in all this, that my little dachshund is in heat.  Awesome!  I see mongrel puppies in my future, and that will be my problem!

And every time there is some cause for worry with this little feline, suddenly it becomes my problem.  Why is that?  I didn't ask for the cat.  I don't do a thing for that thing.  I've never shown any interest in even having a cat, let alone an ugly, stray, half-a-tailed version.  But my kids love any creature who's lucky enough to find its way onto our compound.  And it will probably be pregnant within months.  And then it really will be my problem, because baby kittens are as easy to get rid of as a sexually transmitted disease.  Not that I know anything about that, just sayin'!

So how is it that anything that needs to be fixed, loved on, or otherwise made right becomes the sole responsibility of "Mama"?  How did I get here?  To quote Bill Cosby, "I just wanted a few kids I could send to college!"  Plus, it's always stupid, obnoxious, petty things that I get dragged in to.  This morning the toddler came to me and informed me that Slick was in the family room... farting.  She'd had just about enough of it too.  Not my problem folks!!  But guess who had to get up and go make the offensive boy stop his nonsense...you guessed it!  When I was daydreaming about Mr. Right back in the sixth grade, I had no idea that "putting out farts" would be in my future.

Just last night someone dropped a glass and broke it for the ten hundredth time (it's like my family has jello for fingers!) and even though I had nothing to do with it, was no where around when it happened, and was butt-deep in other things I never intended to do, Mama was the one to get her tail in there and get things right again.  Can I just say that I was not the one who broke the dagum glass!  And where is their daddy?  Because he always ends up on the winning end of this mess!  And everything is my fault and I'm responsible for every little problem that all the other souls in this house encounter.

Mama, we don't have any milk.
Mama, I can't find my toothbrush.
Mama, Rainman is looking at me funny.
Mama, I dropped a jar of mayonnaise on the floor because I have jello hands!
Mama, I need a box to put another dang turtle in.
Mama, the chickens might be cold.
Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama!

And don't get me started on the stuff Mr. Green Jeans comes at me with!

It's all work, added to work, added to more work.  And I'm just tired, worn out, stove up.  And dealing with all these added chores is like shoveling clay.  Into large vessels.  And it never, ever, ever, ever ends.  It just keeps going until Mommy loses her schmidt and then everyone wonders why Mama lost her dagum mind over having to find the last roll of toilet paper in the house!

Goodbye forever.  I'm going back to bed to suck my thumb and wonder how this all happened.  That is, after I get all my young'uns outta the dagum chicken yard!