|This is not me|
As people go, parents may be about as sharp as marbles. What sane person would go out of their way to be wholly responsible for another human being, let alone multiple people?! We take care of every conceivable need our young present to us. We clean up the unthinkable. We hold and love them while they scream to get away from us. And eventually, spend all of our money buying things to make their lives easier. All while we are constantly hit with demands, whining, screaming, fit-pitching, negotiating and badgering.
With little sleep. And no appreciation.
Maybe you are awesome, but I can't do all the crap my kids ask of me. And I certainly can't do all the crap other people think I should be doing for my kids. And I don't have enough grey matter to negotiate and explain myself every time I have to avoid something that sounds like work. Or something really unpleasant. Or boring. Sometimes I have to decide between being a noble parent or keeping the little sanity I have. Here's a list of ten things I may or may not have done to choose sanity over being a good parent.
- Fed my kids nutella on sandwich bread for dinner because it made them shut up and that was all I cared about at the time. It's really all I usually care about.
- Sipped whiskey during homework time and said it was tea but kept them from drinking from my glass by telling them I was contagious with something gross and there may be tiny invisible bugs in it.
- Kept my kids home from school instead of going to the state capital with their class. And I may have told the teacher my grandmother died. She died three times that year. But the thought of riding on a bus with a slew of fourth graders made my nerves crawl in a corner and assume the fetal position.
- Told my kids the car wouldn't start when they begged to go to Chuck E Cheese.
- Bought my kids all the candy they wanted if they'd agree not to make me do Halloween. Deal!
- Hid cookies in my bedroom. Which I ate. While they hunted for them. And fought.
- Taught them "conservation" by explaining if they were in the shower for longer than ten minutes, the "good" water would get used up but would be replaced by toilet water. I'm probably going to hell. On a rocket.
- Told my kids I had to leave for a few minutes after dinner because I forgot to "fill a prescription". But really I had to leave because they were being hormonal jackwagons and the prescription was for me to drive two miles to Applebees and order a glass of wine and fantasize about running away to the poor bastard behind the bar.
- Had my kids air dry their towels to reuse for a week at a time because the washing machine would not spin. It was working just fine for me. I was just tired of washing a load of towels every night that were only used to dry off clean little bodies for five minutes. That damn washing machine stays broken!
- Got out of carpool by telling the school I had to be at another one of my kids' schools at the same time school dismissed. I played the "six kids" card and they wanted to help. Totally walked in and got my kids first. Every day.
But for every time I get a hall pass. There's an infinite number of times I am the bug and not the windshield. I do plenty. I'm not here for extra credit. I'm happy to take the C+. At this point, I'm happy just to get by.
And I'm not this woman.
And I don't have an "Alice". Hell, I don't even have a "Mike"! So don't judge! Because I am SANE! I am! Sane people solve problems. What's the definition of insanity again? Right! People who see us in public may question me but I've decided to choose sanity over whims. Did I leave anything out? Have you made the same choices? I'd love to hear about it!
Written from the floor in my closet,